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SubscribeThe Night Watch by Nemanja Zivkovic
The night watch
In the dark night
Footsteps of many men
The night watch and their blank faces
Watchers with weapons marching again
Proud like a lion
A guard tastes his gun
The strong stench of cold iron
The percussion hits the drum
The howling of desperate women
The lurid night brings its toll
The smell of the watchers’ sweat
The heretics are about to fall
The inspiration was “The night watch” Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn)
Nemanja Zivkovic’s questions: Feel free to rate it and give me a few suggestions.
Does this need more narrative? Is it complete?
Reply directly to the poet:Â Nemanja Zivkovic nemanjazivkovic95 (at) gmail (dot) com
I like the mood of this poem very much, and especially compelling are the menacing images of guards, predators, anxious waiting.
It seems you could leave out some words — rather than “in the dark night” choose just “night”; also some of the articles (the, their).”Proud like a lion” a bit too over-used a metaphor — just the lion would do… same with “lurid night’ — if that phrase could be replaced with a powerful sensory one , the poem would gain additional momentum and lead wonderfully into your last great line!
best,
Carola